Now that you have built the Bachelor Arms in Part 1, you will be put into the main questline for Level 36…
Weekend Dad Pt. 1
After tapping Milhouse
Milhouse: Dad! You’re back! Just when I thought I would have to go through puberty without male guidance.
Milhouse: Luckily, I’m a late bloomer.
Kirk: All the Van Houten’s are late bloomers. It’s actually our family crest.
Kirk: My head hurts. The last thing I remember was arguing with your mother.
Kirk: then I woke up in my old bachelor pad, locked in the trunk of my racecar bed.
Kirk: Is this Springfield? What happened here?
Milhouse: That’s a long story, but I can tell you all about it!
Kirk: How about over dinner? Good ol’ dad’s gonna treat you to the finest restaurant in town! Let me check the change purse…
Kirk: On second thought, how about the finest restaurant most recently shut down by the health department?
Send Kirk and Milhouse to Eat at Krusty Burger- 30 mins
Milhouse: Thanks, Dad- that was fun! Maybe we should make it a weekly thing?
Kirk: Let’s not get our hopes up son. I am Kirk Van Houten after all- I may not always be rolling in so much spare change.
Kirk: But it’s a new Springfield and a new me! From now on, when I cry in the shower, it will be standing up!
Weekend Dad Pt.2
After tapping Marge
Marge: Kirk, I’m glad you’re back. Milhouse has been a real bad influence on Bart lately.
Kirk: Milhouse is now the bad kid! My kid is really moving up in the world. Usually it’s Bart who needs to be reined in.
Marge: You’ve been gone for 36 levels and you have the gall to give me parenting advice?
Kirk: 36 levels? How many characters did they have to go through to get to me? Did they even have names?
Marge: I thought you knew. I’m really sorry to be breaking the fourth wall like this. Frankly, it’s cheap storytelling.
Kirk: Cheap storytelling is all I deserve.
Kirk: No, I’m the new Kirk and I’m not going to let this get to me.
Kirk: I’m fine with level 36. 36 was a good year-I had most of my hair at 36.
Marge: You’re actually level 37…
Kirk: I lost all my hair at 37! They built an amusement park before bringing me back! Can you believe that, kid?
Send Kirk to Cry Sitting Down in the Shower- 4hrs
Weekend Dad Pt.3
After tapping Kirk
Kirk: There are just no job opportunities for a salt of the earth unsalted cracker man like myself.
Milhouse: Maybe you should try something new?
Kirk: Wafers? Biscuits? Tortillas? Biscotti?
Milhouse: Maybe you need to think a little bit more outside the box.
Kirk: But I already lost the company millions with Crackers in a Bag.
Milhouse: Why don’t you go out and look for something new? I’m sure you’ll be bringing home the bacon in no time.
Send Kirk to Thaw Frozen Hotdogs In The Sink- 12hrs
Kirk: What am I doing? I was given a fresh start and already I’m eating expired partially thawed hot dogs.
Kirk: Luann will never take me back if I don’t turn myself around and get a job.
Marge: Maybe you should talk to Reverend Lovejoy.
Kirk: Because he always offers sage advice to those in need?
Marge: No, he’s just a bit friendlier to people showing up at his doorstep uninvited.
Weekend Dad Pt. 4
After tapping Kirk
Kirk: Reverend, I’m here because I have nowhere else to go.
Reverend Lovejoy: I understand. Desperation is the number one reason why people turn to religion.
Kirk: Great, I’d like some money please.
Reverend Lovejoy: You can’t just ask for money.
Kirk: Isn’t that the point of the collection plate?
Send Kirk to Work at the School- 24hours
Willie: You want to learn the ancient art of groundskeeping do ye? Well, it’s going to be a long road filled with arduous trials.
Willie: Why I bet you don’t even know the first thing about being a groundskeeper?
Kirk: If someone vomits, clean it up.
Willie: You’re a natural. Like a young me, only sadder. And fatter. And older.
Willie: Now hold open this trash bag while a student volunteer shovels in pig guts.
Willie: Add some chopped onion and you’ll have a mean haggis.
Weekend Dad Pt.5
After tapping Milhouse
Milhouse: You’re the school janitor?
Milhouse: Couldn’t you find an embarrassing soul-crushing job somewhere everyone I know WOULDN’T see you?
Kirk: Actually, it’s an unpaid internship. But I get to take home the uneaten taco shells ever Taco Tuesday?
Milhouse: But if you’re not getting paid, why even take the job?
Kirk: Because life is like a marriage…you just have to keep plugging away at it no matter how awful it is.
Kirk: Besides, do you think a success story like Kent Brockman gets paid to just lie around all day?
Send Kent Brockman to Relax- 60 Mintutes
Kirk: Well that certainly showed me. I really wish I could have it that easy.
Milhouse: Why can’t you?
Kirk: There’s just nothing like that on my list of jobs.
Keep Kirk available for Weekend Dad Part 6…coming soon.